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NEW YORK -- After years spent dwelling in the shadows of collective presumption, Ronald Bonemaker, the Cubby Party
presidential candidate in 2000, has emerged to reveal that he is not only living but also throwing his
proverbial hat in the presidential ring in 2008. Mr. Bonemaker was gunned down on the campaign trail by a crazed fan of cable TV personality Huck Forest, after which his body notoriously disappeared from the backseat of Cubby Creatures bass player Brian Weaver's '86 Honda Civic, prompting widespread speculation that he (Mr. Bonemaker) had perished and physically exited this realm in a manner similar to that of Obi Wan Kenobi or Yoda in the Star Wars movies, of which Mr. Bonemaker has long professed himself to be "the world's biggest fan." But this interpretation of the day's events was not in fact correct, Mr. Bonemaker has revealed after a seven-year absence from his home base of San Francisco. He claims to have instead simply doffed his bloody clothing and bolted from Mr. Weaver's car, seeking shelter in the brush adjoining S.F. General's parking lot and later with an elderly gay Japanese couple in Potrero Hill. After regaining his health, all the while under the impression that he'd fallen prey to a "government-sponsored assassination attempt," Mr. Bonemaker claims to have embarked upon a self-imposed Lo Chang fitness retreat in France and then led a dangerous secret mission that took him to Afghanistan, Iraq and then finally to the heart of the Laotian cyberporn underworld. Bonemaker's life in the last seven years has been nothing if not eventful, a fact which is being heavily mined by his chief campaign strategist, Ms. Lavender Reynolds. Ms. Reynolds has reportedly been instrumental in crafting Bonemaker's bold new image, even going so far as to approve use of the expletive "sh*t" in the candidate's campaign literature, in numerous speeches, stumping trips, and in two commercials set to air in Iowa this January. One notable reaction to the Bonemaker bombshell came within days of the publication of Cubby Missalet 19, the zine in which news of Bonemaker's continued existence first broke. Notorious anti-Cubby organization The Council of Yuddle announced the hasty formation of its own party, to be called the Yuddle Party, as well as news that it's already nominated a candidate to headline its ticket, one Mr. Dick Wang of Walnut Creek, who's been described by neighbors as "a real asshole." Aside from the establishment of the Yuddle Party and the launch of the Wang campaign, public reaction to the news of Mr. Bonemaker's survival has been limited, as Mr. Bonemaker chose to speak only to The Cubby Missalet, a zine published by members of the Cubby Party. Due largely to the zine's limited distribution (200 copies were reportedly made), Mr. Bonemaker's return remains widely unknown, a fact Mr. Bonemaker dismisses, saying, "As soon as Missalet 19 comes out online, the whole world will have access to the story." Indeed, Brian Weaver, inside sources divulge, is working on an online edition of Missalet 19 at this writing. Mr. Bonemaker's running mate, Ms. Suzie Potsniff, who took Mr. Bonemaker's place on the Cubby Party ticket after Bonemaker's disappearance, said she was "gladdened and relieved" to learn of the well-being of her former running mate. She did not say whether she had seen Mr. Bonemaker since his return or whether she intended to join him on the campaign trail this time around. For more information, check out the Cubby's Myspace page or return here later... good night and amen... eleanor rosevent |