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NEW YORK -- In a stunning show of lessening hubris, Ronald Bonemaker stepped down from the presidential race,
effectively removing his hat from the ring and throwing in the towel, essentially giving up. In so doing he verbally--and physically at some points throughout his "reality acceptance" speech--threw his full support, and that of the whole Cubby Party, behind Democrat Barack Obama. Mr. Bonemaker explained that he couldn't stand to see the country divided any longer and didn't want to risk becoming "this year's spoiler." Bonemaker also conceded that Senator Obama is "immensely appealing on a number of levels" to him, and he admitted that he himself had "no real health care plan to speak of," something he says had always troubled him about his own campaign. Bonemaker went on to assail the evils of electronic voting machines, calling for Nancy Pelosi to "get off her bony butt and make sure this election's gonna be fair and square." He claims there was "thickly spread fraud" both in 2000 and in 2004. The gesticulation-filled speech provided a stirring climax for a Labor Day peace rally and BBQ at Dolores Park that was attended by upwards of fifteen people, most of whom were Cubby Party bigwigs. Mr. Bonemaker admitted that he's tired of all the fighting and that he's been bruised a lot by the mean-spirited, often personal attacks by Dick Wang, chairman of the Yuddle Ways and Means Committee and Yuddle ticket topper, whose launch of a Web site chronicling Bonemaker's bad hair days has been widely considered a new low in presidential politics. For his part, Wang has vowed to fight on, calling Bonemaker's stepdown "unmanly, unseemly, and unsurprising." He says he's in it for the long haul, predicting that Yuddle will "handily" win the White House in November, but he says as long as Sarah Palin is in the running anything can happen. "Palin would probably be much better, in Yuddle terms, for the country than even I would," Wang admitted, in a rare display of humility. "If it comes right down to it, I'm liable to endorse that moosewhacker." But Bonemaker frowned on the Yuddle/Republican cozying, saying, "It makes sense. They're cut from the same cheap cloth." Bonemaker cited the election of 2000, in which he was widely thought to have been accidentally assassinated, as further support for his decision to leave the race. "Look, I don't wanna ruin another election," the candidate said."In 2000, Suzie and I really screwed things up for Al Gore, and I can't look a polar bear in the eyes anymore because of it." Suzie Potsniff, Bonemaker's running mate and main squeeze at the time, topped the Cubby Party ticket after Bonemaker's "assassination." The windfall of support she received at the time was credited to voter sympathy in light of the supposed assassination. But Bonemaker nevertheless thinks Suzie Potsniff would have "cut a damn fine figure in the Oval Office" had she won in 2000. "It would be a much better world today," he mused. "For one thing there would never have been a September eleventh. It would still be September tenth in America. And there'd be no Iraq war, and no housing crisis, and no global warming. We would be enjoying unprecedented prosperity and security and domestic bliss if today we were tucked in the empathic, intuitive embrace of our first lesbian president. Can you imagine such a world? It makes me tingle." Bonemaker's speech went on for 87 minutes. A DJ called Silpat accompanied him. |