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Update 143
At the New Living Expo the other day I learned about ultraterrestrials.Ultraterrestrials are like extraterrestrials only they're from right here on earth. They live among us, but we only catch brief and occasional sightings of them. It's basically a theory to explain some of the unexplained phenomena that occurs, you know, like when people see UFOs or strange lights or odd-looking never-before-seen creatures.
I was pretty into the concept. I mean, it's about as believable to me as extraterrestrials. It's possible, right? I've never seen anything I would consider an ultraterrestrial, or even an extraterrestrial for that matter, but I feel like it's within the realm of possibility that they could exist. I found this great analogy online when I did a Google search for ultraterrestrials...
"Think of how a group of chimpanzees in the wild perceive human beings. Because their own level of consciousness is limited compared to ours, they cannot comprehend what we humans are beyond being just another kind of animal. A chimp may think of an airplane as some kind of magical, giant bird." - Ken Korczak from Unexplained-Mysteries.com
--brian
4.30.07 2:07 ampst
Update 142
For the General Edification: Open Letter to the Young Woman on the Brooklyn-Bound F Train This Afternoon:
The polls on the train are for standing commuters to hold on to for support during the ride. They are especially designed and centrally placed so that any number of people might hold on to them at the same time. They should not be confused with sofas and are not intended for your lounging pleasure. They should be gripped with the hand only; your whole body should not recline against it, especially when my hand is gripping the poll and your reclining against it (the poll) would bring your hair and/or the skin of your bare back into contact with my hand. I have no wish to touch either your hair or your skin, and being forced into contact with both of these today on my way home filled me with an aversion that bordered on physical illness. So please, ma'am, do not be so mean as to lean.
4.22.07 8:03 pmest
Update 141
First Cubby Creature Baby Born!
Congratulations to Cubby Creature Bill Fisher and his wife Lorna on the birth of their first child, Iris Pearl Kirwan Fisher, who came into the world on March 16, 2007 at 12:53 pm.
Here's our first look:
All our best to the Kirwan-Fisher family. And may the Cubby be with you, Iris!
3.19.07 4:12pmpst
Update 140
Confidential to J. Huel
American Apparel has some really amazing sweater vests, in all kinds of terrific colors. I saw them and thought of you in the 90s.
--JP
3.15.07 11:22pmest
Update 139
Transcript of Live New Year's 2007 Coverage Continues
OK, Cubby Faithful. Thanks for hanging in there. It's 11:31. My energy fades, and I must pull together all my strength in order to come back to the computer and continue my live coverage of New Year's 2007 from Department of Observation headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. I just got back from the kitchen, where i made three batches of hummus with pomegranate seeds. The cat's curled up in a ball in the big bed. Nico is still passed out on the couch. Anderson Cooper is on TV. He's got a live feed from Key West, where they're having a drag-queen drop in which a drag queen is lowered from the ceiling on a giant high-heeled shoe. Anderson is so cute. Hmmm. So, it's 11:36, and I'm really glad to be here with you now, to be devoting this time to the Cubby. It's a little lonely, because I'm here on the Observation deck all alone tonight, and now that my belly is full I just want to lay down and fall asleep. or lie down and fall asleep. I still haven't figured out the lay/lie thing. Am I a bad lay or a bad liar? Gosh, it's so nice to be home and not out there on the streets, in the cold, surrounded by screaming huddling masses yearning to be cool. i was going to go out, but then I decided it sounded even better to stay home and focus on this work of art of a brunch that I'm cooking up for tomorrow. It's amazing how hosting new year's day brunch absolves you from a sense of obligation to do something on new year's eve. what a load off. 11:47, and I'm fading fast. If I don't make it, happy new year everyone. Let's make it a good one.
12.31.06 11:49 pmest
Update 138
Transcript of Live New Year's 2007 Coverage Begins
Hello, and welcome to a Daily Discharge presentation of live coverage of new year 2007, which, if I may be permitted a word for the benefit of the unfamiliar, is also known as the dawn of the new times of the cubby. This is jol, reporting from carroll gardens, Brooklyn, world headquarters of the Cubby Department of Observations. It's 8:16 as we begin our coverage. So far, it's pretty tranquil from my point of view. The hubby's been battling a bit of a cold, and he's knocked out on cold medicine on the couch. I've popped in Madonna's "Music," which I think is her greatest album to date. Back in San Francisco I would listen to this while working at the leather store with Randy. But that's another story for another time, such as Leather Pride or some such appropriate moment. Anyway, Alice is on my leg as I write this in my newly feng shuied little office area. I meant to get the full-size bed out of here before new year's day struck, but four people who replied to my Craigslist post about it ended up falling through, and now the bed's still here, but it's okay now, because for some reason the fact that i moved things around in preparation for the bed's being moved out of here did the trick all by itself, and now even the big bed in the small room isn't such a troubling scenario. And Alice has pretty much become the primary bed squatter, and now that she's entering this new veterinary chapter of her life, I would feel a little bit bad taking the bed where she camps every day from her. There were big plans to go out, but then I got all wrapped up in making this brunch, and then at some point i realized that there was no place i'd rather be than here whipping up this masterpiece of a new years' day brunch, whose few attendees will be treated to one of the most glamorous affairs ever produced by the Cubby Department of Observations in coordination with Nico, who as I've mentioned is asleep on the couch. I just put a blanket over him, had a moment of nurture. Now I'm going to head into the kitchen to whip up some hummus. That's one thing that needs to be done the night before the party. The flavors need a chance to blend together smoothly, and only time can produce that result. Isn't that great when time becomes part of the recipe? Anyway, I'll continue this live coverage of New Year 2007, aka Cubby 10, the most holy year, according to a new Department of Observations rating, since 1997, the year of the Cubby's inception. But first step in making this special holiday hummus: get some pomegranate seeds separated from the pulpy body of the fruit. This should be quite a chore. Fortunately I'm wearing dark colors that won't show off any pomegranate stains that might occur in the next few minutes. I saw Martha Stewart de-seeding a pomegranate, and she made it look like the easiest thing in the world, just whacked it with a wooden spoon when it was cut in half and all the seeds fell right out of the fruit's body with as much neatness and conformity as one could ever wish of them. When I tried this the weekend before Christmas, the first whack sent pomegranate seeds all over the kitchen. So it was back to the time-consuming hunting and picking that I used to do, the only way I'm proficient at doing it, sadly. Well, I should go do this, but hopefully I'll remember to come back and continue this live coverage of the last seconds of 2006.
12.31.06 8:41 pmest
Update 137
"I'm Going to Have Nightmares About It."
Last night I had a terrible dream. A ridiculous little man held the white house and it seemed to me as if from day one of his administration he'd been plotting out this war in his head and then trying to continue it endlessly, and that even after he'd heard from a million or more concerned he just kept going the course, and when asked and advised and cajoled to end the war he announced he would make it bigger.
the dream is almost over, i hope.
12.28.06 1:29 pmest
Update 136
Ford Crash, Brown Out, Saddam Is Being Lynched
What happened this week? Well, Gerald Ford died, and we went to see his body at the Apollo Theatre, but James Brown's body was there instead.
MEANWHILE, Charlie Danger remembered that as a child he had been diagnosed with autism and put through an experimental cross-training regiment involving orthodontic work and religious programming. "We will straighten this boy out," the doctor had told his parents, who had begun to think young Charlie was the kid from "The Omen."
"A world too disgusting for Gerald Ford to live in. So that's what we've become, have we? "
Meanwhile we received a fun transmission from Cubby Satellite 1:
"The lower coral structures of the IZOV reef shelf continue to bring me much delight as my cubby remote explorations continue. Roaming the shelf I have met many compelling life forms about whom I hope to speak with you soon. Please await my next transmission, and take care of yourself until then. Your well-being is vital to the successful execution of my plan."
MEANWHILE, Saddam was fit to be tied about being about to be hung. It was an old-fashioned Texas-style lynching that was about to happen, and we should all go to Dallas BBQ to celebrate the chilling victory for Bush on the night it occurs.
--from Cubby Department of Observation official minutes, compiled by R.H., H.O.C.I.
12.28.06 1:26 pmest
Update 135
Bob Woodward and Madanna: Cubby Heroes of the Day
Bob Woodward is great. he's a true American, in the best possible sense. he's saved our asses twice, once by providing the solid basis for bringing down Nixon and now for turning the heat up under Bush and Ass.'s asses and helping to turn the tide against that nefarious crew of do-badders and do-worsers.
Watching the news yesterday, I had the sense that it was the first time that Bush and Ass. really had to scramble and publicly take criticism of itself so seriously. CNN said Woodward's new book was such a big deal that even Bush was reading it. For six years they've gotten away with murder (Bush and Ass., I mean, not CNN), but now it's all going to change. Right?
But back to my hero Woodward, all gray and steely and Gregory Peck-like. I worry that Woodward's an old man. I worry about future generations that might not have a man like him, and I wonder where they'll be without him, where we would have been.
I think Bob Woodward is definitely an Extant Saint, one of the categories of saints soon to be unveiled in the Cubby Hall of Saints, a special online project of the newly established Cubby Department of Observations, whose job it is to create new holidays and declare new Cubby heroes and saints.
I find it downright incredible that no one of any younger generation has the wherewithal, discipline, or just plain gumption to write a book of Woodwardian magnitude. Has no one else thought to do it? Are journalists just too damn confused or scared to question authority to even undertake unraveling the web of lies concealing the reality of things? It sure seems that way, as if since September 11--since before that, even--since Bush stole the election, really--the press has been strictly obedient to all Bush and Ass.'s whims.
Maybe they've all felt as hopeless as I have. Maybe a lot of us have felt such hopelessness, and that's fed our failure to act. I was just wondering: where are all the protests on college campuses? You never hear about those anymore. Are they still happening, and if not, as it seems they're not, then why aren't they?
Is the unfashionableness of protesting actually taking a toll on the thing itself? Is it actually preventing kids from taking it up? If so, we'd better think of a cool new way for kids to protest, because all this pretending not to notice the bloody elephant in the White House is maddening.
But one person who's not remaining silent is my friend Madanna, who makes videos with his webcam of himself lipsynching to his idol Madonna's videos. With her new album, he found the inspiration
to turn political, creating this devastating video to her song "Sorry." The video is currently impressing audiences on youtube. Madanna, you're another of today's Cubby Heroes. Thank you and congratulations.
--Jol
10.03.06 10:53 pmest
Update 134
Jesus, Mohammad, and Abraham all pissed off about underling mishandling of their respective GOD visions.
Theists around the world were stupefied by the news that Jesus, Mohammad, and Abraham, appearing together in a joint summit sponsored in part by the UN, had formally announced that they were "much more than dissatisfied" with the actions of their apostles and so-called followers, who were really, they agreed "bastardizing" the God visions they'd each had.
"We saw in 'God' an ecstatic state of being. What we see today being done in the name of 'God' is totally different from that which we experienced and were aiming to describe. It's turned into a glorified turf war, perpetuated by a lot of drama queens who APPARENTLY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO." said the official joint statement, released today only to the Daily Discharge.
"What these people call God is not what any of us had in mind," the three men jointly said later in the epistle.
"Sometimes we ask ourselves, 'Oh, what have we done?' The world is in tatters, the earth's in a spin! People really took our shit literally and didn't pause to think. So-called religious leaders could and should be doing a much better job. This is disgraceful," said Jesus, the only one of the three men available for comment today. "Shame on you, Pope Benedict XVI. Shame on your church."
Discharge Press Corps, Brooklyn
7.06.06 11:02 pmest
Update 133
People in New York Still Experiencing Long Lines at Trader Joe's
cultural notes from new york city: new york citizens are reporting continuing lines to get into the newly opened Trader Joe's on 14th street. one girl said she was there Thursday and waited 10 minutes in the line outside the store. she said the line went really quick and was no problem at all, that the people there were nice and the checkout girl made her laugh, commenting on how the girl looked so happy to be there and how she was buying enough food for the army.
--Charlie Danger
4.8.06 4:11 pmest
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