Dear Smartest Girl in SF,

I've been trying to master the Cubby principals of acceptance, non-judgement and unconditional love. My problem is that my new open mindedness has brought me into social contact with several individuals who strive for commercial success and material wealth (i.e. those I used to dismiss as "Cheesy Yuppies"); to complicate the matter, these same people have expressed interest in helping me to forward my artistic endeavors. I've prided myself on being a fierce leftist-marxist-situationist revolutionary for years now, and in fact, have gotten much social mileage out of it, yet secretly, I have yearned for my band to succeed big time. I dream all the time of how great it would be to have universal affirmation and the financial freedom to never work again. Indeed, I WANT these things from the very core of my being. These Cubby precepts, while spiritually rewarding, seem to be putting me in the way of "selling out", and I'm just a ball of confusion as to what to do. I'm considering OD-ing on acid and dropping out of everything altogether, à la Syd Barrett, just to avoid tasting from the cup that's been placed before me.

Signed, Don't wanna die, but don't wanna gen-tr-ify!

The Smartest Girl in San Francisco Says,

Your first problem is that you believe in and want universal affirmation, which doesn't exist. Coke, probably the most famous thing on the planet, isn't accepted and loved by eveyone. And God is loved even less than Coke. So you can forget about that.

Your second problem is that you don't know what selling out is. What is the difference between getting social mileage out of being a leftist- marxist-situationist revolutionary and getting social mileage out of having commercial success and material wealth if you believe in and desire both? You aren't selling out, you are eclectic.

The point being is that art is a form of revolution, and significant revolution takes place when a lot of people believe in The Cause. And when you get a lot of people believing in The Cause, you can often make money. Is that bad? That depends what you do with it. So my advice is, don't beat yourself up yet. Beat your-self up later, if and when you find you've grown into a Cheesy Yuppie.

Dear Smartest Girl in SF,

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Signed, A M

The Smartest Girl in San Francisco Says,

I would assume it's because sheep are not sweaters, but to make sure, I asked ranch-animal expert Stacia Brady, caretaker at the San Francisco SPCA Retirement Ranch in Northern California.

SGSF: Do sheep shrink in the rain? If they don't, do they at least droop a little?

SB: Sheep don't shrink but they will droop in a downpour, but I doubt if their skin ever really gets wet.

SGSF: Why don't they shrink? Do they have some kind of waxy covering that helps them stay dry, like the stuff on Performance Fleece?

SB: They have a water repellent lanolin in their wool so during a regular rainstorm they have a naturally oc-curing water repellent coat. Shrinking, I believe, occurs in our clothes after we wash them in warm or hot water and then maybe even dry them in the dryer. So with the cold rain water and natural drying it's a lot like washing your sweater in cold water and Woolite and then laying it over a chair to dry... no shrinkage. I am assuming the person asking the question is referring only to the coat of a sheep shrinking since I have never heard of the living skin of an animal shrinking."

So there you go, AM. No need to worry any more.

Dear Smartest Girl in San Francisco,

I have noticed lately that Barry Bonds looks intently into the camera during close-ups of him during his at-bats, on his way to the plate from the on-deck circle, rounding the bases after a home run, etc. Could it be that he is pushing this particular edge of the envelope: acknowledging the audience as part of the event, rather than ignoring/tolerating them as merely spectators? Is he, as perhaps the consumate ballplayer at the peak of his mastery, making the transition from competitor to entertainer, however tentatively, however smug the thug? Just really wondering, you know?

Signed, R M

The Smartest Girl in San Francisco Says,

Bonds is no dummy. He knows the value of the spectacle in this postmodern world as well as you and I do. No professional athlete in America in the 1990s could be ignorant of the fact that they are being watched. Just look at what Bonds does everyday - he goes to a 50,000 person stadium to be gawked and hooted at by thousands of people, who are being gawked and hooted at by millions of people watching on their television screens from home. And in the age we live in, the only thing to do is to gawk back, completing the spectacle, and making us all aware that we are one big gawking community.

On the other hand, he could just be trying to warm up to the camera in order to make a fat deal with McDonald's or Nike, so he can make millions more and be the best Cheesy Yuppie ever!

Dear Smartest Girl in San Francisco,

I recently moved back to Los Angeles after 6 years in San Francisco and I'm having a difficult time adjusting. Is there any advice you can give a down and out bachelor who recently departed ways with a long time lover? I'm 6'-3" tall, 195 pounds. If you are truly the smartest girl in San Francisco, you can help me out.

Thanks, Down and Out at The Burgundy Room

The Smartest Girl in San Francisco Says,

Three words: tango, tango, tango! The excitement, sultry sexuality, and great community that the tango scene offers can cure anyone of heartbreak and loneliness. I have a good friend who tried this out and now she is a tango fanatic! After she came to terms with the fact that her long term relationship was rotting to its core, she got turned on to tango and boy did it change her life! Now she's a new woman, and she's always out with her new tango friends, twisting and twirling to happiness.

The way to get over your uncomfortable adjustment period is to pretend that it's not happening. When I first moved to SF, I went through a stage like this, and my mother's advice was to tell people how I was feeling, which is why she is not the Smartest Girl in San Francisco. Anyone other than your good friends will think you are a freak if you tell them what is really wrong. Pretend you are fine, and soon you will have adjusted, and everything will be fine. Yes, everything.

So go out there and ask someone to dance! There are many tango classes offered which will teach you the subtleties of the tango, and the steps to boot! Partners are usually provided at the classes. Plus, at 6'-3" and 195 pounds, you're tall and not too fat, which will definitely give you an advantage in the tango scene pecking order.