The Barrette Manifesto
by Julia Serano
Hey girls, did you hear the news? It's just been scientifically proven that barrettes are dangerous!

So are bracelets and bric-a-brac. It's a fact. And don't be fooled by thick-necked macho men who pretend that girl stuff is boring or frivolous, because that's just an act. Because as soon as you ask that guy to hold your purse for a minute, he will start to squirm, like your handbag was full of worms, holding it as far away from his rugged body as possible. Because girl stuff is made with the gender equivalent of Kryptonite!

That's right, just watch fathers in SanRio stores standing like petrified trees, like deer caught in Hello Kitty's headlights. Or teenage boys buying their girlfriends flowers, acting as disinterested as possible as they ask the florist for a dozen "whatever's". That's why they always buy roses, that's why engagement rings are always diamonds. These things are not romantic, they are just clichés, the only types of flowers and jewelry that most men will admit to knowing the name of.

And God forbid you ask your hubby to pick you up a box of tampons. And men, it's true, the cashier really does think that you are buying them for you.

Because girl stuff is dangerous. And I should know because not
only am I a scientist, I'm also a secret double agent. See, I lived as a boy for most my life and I have insider information straight out of men's locker rooms and college dorms. Hell, I even went to a bachelor party once, so I know this stuff first hand. And I have a battle plan for absolute sexual equality. But you have to trust me on this. See, feminists have made it okay for girls to explore what use to be an exclusively boy world. But true equality won't come until boys learn to embrace girl stuff as well.

So here's the deal: if you want your boyfriend to treat you with respect, tell him that you won't sleep with him until he starts putting barrettes in his hair. And I'm not talking about no secret bedroom kinky shit. Make him wear them to work! Next time he has to buy a pair of shoes, make sure they are Mary Janes and don't forget the white lacy anklets to go with. Because once he realizes the pure bliss of wearing a frilly pink poofy party dress, he will finally learn to relax and loosen up that uptight male swagger. And who knows, maybe he'll even take up dancing?

You may think this is funny, but this is no joke. Girl stuff is dangerous, let's use it to our advantage. We can truly change the world! Because if construction workers were man enough to wear skirts and heels, they wouldn't whistle at women who walk by. And if misogynistic pseudo-musicians like Eminem were man enough to cry while watching tear-jerkers, he wouldn't need to masturbate all over the mic. And if presidents and generals were man enough to wear lip gloss and mascara, they wouldn't have to prove their penis size by going to war all the time. Because male pride is not really about pride, it's about fear. The fear of being seen as feminine. That's why girl stuff is so dangerous. And as long as most men are scared to death of girl stuff, they will continue to take it out on the rest of us.
Girly Mag Home                  Missalette Home                  Cubby Home