by andrew poisoner	Ya Like Remakes? by Dave Bower
	Imagine, let’s say, rap artist Nelly and his posse, the St. Lunatics in a remake of A Clockwork Orange. It’s the same character, aptly named Aliqz, who rapes and pillages his way through a futuristic dystopia, where the members of his posse speak Jive…yeah, the Jive they spoke in the movie Airplane. (Imagine John Lithgow as the tormented writer!) I just figured that in this era of turning rap stars into actors, why not have it coincide with the current trend of Hollywood remakes of classic films, especially since it’s apparent that originality no longer exists in Hollywood. It’s sounds terrible, doesn’t it? A hip-hop remake of A Clockwork Orange; I’m actually amazed it hasn’t been done yet, for everything is being remade. Lame carbon copies of classic films that can’t even touch the original. Where is the remake of Citizen Kane starring Ben Affleck? There’s already been a remake of Wim Wenders’ The American Friend, under the original title of the novel on which it’s based: Ripley’s Game. And then there’s Something about Charlie, which I liked better as Charade. In Hollywood the real intention is to sell tickets, but at what cost? For the time spent remaking a classic Hollywood or foreign film, imagine how an original, overlooked script could be turned into something of value, something fresh and highly inventive. But why bother when an old TV show or classic film will do? I’m not entirely sure how the rest of the world feels, but I find this trend an insult to my intelligence. How is a remake going to improve on something that’s already good? I don’t see how glitzy special effects and a pulsing rock and roll score will improve on the original. How stupid does Hollywood really think we are? I guess I’m getting a bit preachy...and yes, Gus Van Sant’s interpretation of Psycho was worth the time...
This brings me to the illustrious career of one Steven Soderbergh. Now, I like Soderbergh. I liked Sex, Lies and Videotape, I liked the underrated Kafka and I’m very fond of Out of Sight. Unfortunately, it seems that Steven Soderbergh has gotten himself into a trap, for his last two films (Traffic, Ocean’s Eleven) have been remakes; and now comes Solaris. This is as bad as it gets! I’m not really trying to blame Soderbergh for selling out, for one can assume that he’s attempted to put his own personal spin on these films, whereas someone else might just slap an innocuous piece of garbage together for a quick buck. The original 1972 film version of Solaris is an undisputed classic, directed by one of the cinema’s masters, Andrei Tarkovsky. So why a remake? Perhaps it’s the length of the film; at close to three hours long, Solaris is painfully slow, but that’s the beauty of it. The film is poetic and lyrical in its structure. Although it doesn’t follow Stanislaw Lem’s original novel to the letter (it does rearrange the structure and incorporates some plot changes), it still is an amazing piece of work. Others might disagree and find this to be a ponderously slow, excruciatingly boring space opera. Unfortunately this is my perspective and I like the film, so there! But how many people have seen it?
by rani	In larger cities like New York and Los Angeles, Solaris is always being shown in some revival theatre, or as part of a Tarkovsky retrospective. However, I doubt that it plays in other parts of the US, where a film like Solaris may be viewed as dull. It is hard to sit through. There’s minimal action, it’s riddled with philosophical parables and observations, but it does have a universal feel, solely based on its ability to elicit powerful emotions from the viewer. There’s no denying Tarkovsky’s genius, but aside from that his seven feature films have the same recurring themes at a snails pace. This isn’t bad, for it was his style and it’s overwhelmingly lyrical and poetic. But if you look as Tarkovsky’s oeuvre, Solaris is the closest he ever came to slapstick comedy, where Steven Soderbergh’s remake of Solaris is simply blasphemy. Enough about Soderbergh, I am straying from the real bane of my existence, the Hollywood remake. After all the numerous box office flops, you would think the powers that be would actually learn something. There was no way that the film version of I Spy would capitalize on the spirit of the original TV series, even though it appeared target at people born after the show was originally aired. Films like Dragnet, McHale’s Navy, and Dawn of the Dead are part of a long conveyor belt of churned out product, with no redeeming value.
Tim Burton’s 'reimagining' of Planet of the Apes made absolutely no sense, especially when compared to the 1968 film. I will say that it did have a great visual flair, especially in the cinematography and the end of Burton’s version was very similar to the climax of Pierre Boulle’s 1963 novel. Why then was the remake not made in French, since the book was originally written in that language? Some say that these pointless remakes will inspire people to go out and search for the original. So, why not release the original? Hasn’t the lesson been learned that these remakes never work, never live up to the status of the original film and are always, in the long run, forgotten? I guess it doesn’t matter, for the same product is always churned out. Perhaps in fifteen years, when all the current CGI effects have been replaced by new state of the art technology that will no longer allow us to use actors or film, there will be remakes of all three Matrix films, for us to stare endlessly at and wonder why? So despite all the petty complaints, Hollywood will never understand or care that the legacy of a film should best be left alone and not restructured with an American cast, snazzy effects and a complete script overhaul, just to make a few bucks. Perhaps it would better suit the public if there were remakes of bad movies instead of the good ones? Why not improve a terrible movie, by creating something superior, something with a soul?
	It would be in the public’s best interest to remake all the major works of famous directors. Let’s give some hotshot kid the opportunity to tackle all the masterpieces of Jean-Luc Godard. We can ignore Breathless, since it was remade in 1983 and we all remember the Valerie Kaprisky craze that ensued upon its release. Let’s then focus on Godard’s more didactic films like Contempt, Alphaville, Weekend and One Plus One. Godard’s Contempt starred Bridget Bardot and Michel Piccoli as a couple, whose relationship is thrown into turmoil by American film producer Jack Palance and legendary filmmaker Fritz Lang. An American interpretation of Contempt (re-titled I Hate You) would be a good starring vehicle for teen pop sensation Mandy Moore and Colin Farrell, with Dustin Hoffman as the boorish American producer and Steven Spielberg as himself, whose production of John Grisham’s Skipping Christmas is fraught with problems.
A remake of Alphaville would be set in a future New York (instead of the original’s Paris) with Ricardo Montalban as super sleuth Lemmy Caution and über-slinky Jessica Simpson as the ingénue Natasha. Ridiculous special effects abound in this unrecognizable treatment of the original. Quentin Tarantino’s bloodbath take on Weekend would stray far from the social comment found in the original. There would be more sadism, gang rapes and butchery; Harvey Keitel would replace the anti-American rhetoric of Godard’s version with an extended tirade against Osama bin Laden. Godard’s infamous pan of a traffic jam would be impossible to duplicate, so instead we would have a massive shootout in which thousands of people are killed. One Plus One would be impossible to remake, for it is a series of sketches on the process of revolution, interspersed with segments of the Rolling Stones recording Sympathy for the Devil. Perhaps it would be a perfect vehicle for Christina Aguilera to show her stuff in the studio, while her sequences are juxtaposed with shots of the Gulf War. And I do I really have to mention that pointless remake of Lina Wertmuller’s Swept Away with Madonna? That really worked! ©2004 Dave Bower
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