Missy Haverthing submitted by Sean

Everything she suspects is true, everything she knows is suspicious. The angle of the eyebrow to lip, hand to hip, reflect a subtle malformation of character.    (back to top)

Mr. Quigley the Squirrel
and his Pet Hemorrhoid Mugsy
submitted by Amanda

Mr. Quigley is a "born again" Christian truck driver, who suffers blackout periods during his frequent relapses due to his penchant for crystal meth, huffing and alcohol. In addition to being a recovering substance abuser, he is also plagued by Tourette's Syndrome and a past that includes a career in the late 80's as an adult film star, a brief marriage to Tina Yothers, and a graphic sex tape of himself and Vanilla Ice engaged in a heated "shrimping" incident.

He stood trial in the early 90's for public exposure during one of his infamous "Shrimp Fests" where he was erroneously donned "Red Lobster-fest" by the "ever cruel media". He was convicted and sentenced to five years in Mississippi State Prison. Ironically, it was in prison where Mr. Quigley found Jesus, renounced his sins and became "born again". During his term in the Mississippi State Pen, he completed a Bachelor's Degree, Magna Cum Laude, in Philosophy via correspondence with Princeton University. Upon his release he attempted to find work as a philosopher, but daunted by the lack of need for philosophical laborers and unable to publish his manifesto, "I, A Squirrel", he turned his hand to writing and developing the Christian Children's show The Good Jolly Gospel Show that debuted on the Christian United National Television (C.U.N.T.). His show, which featured Mr. Q, using popsicle stick people to illustrate such biblical topics as sodomy and pederasty, was plagued by Mr. Quigley's unintended obscenities that sprung from his Tourette's Syndrome. His inability to publicly acknowledge his Tourette's, in conjunction with his past reputation as a felon, lead to both the media and public to spurn him and his many talents, forever ruining his dreams of hosting his own children's television show.

After this painful, personal fiasco, Q found work as a truck driver for the prestigious firm "Trucking for Jesus". But Q was a changed squirrel. He was a bitter, cynical shadow of himself. Days on the road lead to fits of depression, constipation and a new friend...Mugsy, the pet hemorrhoid, something that he is doomed to wander the earth with forever tethered to him by a leash that came out of his ass.

Mr. Quigley's current goal is to spread the good word of Christ in person and by CB radio, despite his Tourette's, and perhaps make employee of the month.

Mr. Quigley's fixations are people's feet (i.e. Tina Yothers', Jesus', Vanilla Ice's and every new person he encounters).    (back to top)

The Former Wanda McGwen submitted by Sylvia

He/She/It travels throughout time and space, appearing to others as a stranger, either in human or animal form.

His/Her/It's purpose is to extract hidden mysteries, talents or secrets from others, enabling them to see themselves in a different way.

Once a human being, Wanda McGwen died at the age of 13 and went to the land where the dead people go. As a regular person, Wanda loved to play tricks on others and did so frequently. In the land of the dead people, she was given the opportunity to play the ultimate trick - to fool with her own identity. The only catch was that she would have to use her shape-changing ability to help other people or animals discover a mystery about themselves that they didn't previously know. She was not going to be allowed to:

1. Play tricks in her old manner.

2. Reveal her ability (by changing in front of anyone). OR

3. Relate her story of how she once was a "normal" human

The consequence so breaking these rules were not explained to her.

She wasn't told much else, only that she was always being observed and that she had the ability to travel through time and space. Wanda's disposition for tricks loved the concept so much that she forgot to ask some questions, like - Will I die again? OR Do I have the capacity to change history? OR Do I have the capacity to interact with myself when I was Wanda on earth? OR Anything else... She just dove into the assignment with pleasure and fervor.    (back to top)

Tio Beto submitted by Chris

Tio ("uncle" in Spanish) is the essence of a kind-hearted, old man who knows deep down that everyone is completely crazy and that the only things you can depend on are the chickens that will get you up in the morning and the Tecate that will put you down at night. He has weathered skin, large hands for his short stature, a disarming manner and intoxicating charm. He wears plain clothes and a hat that is dirty, worn, and molds to his head. He sweats profusely, even in the shade. He is quick to laugh or impart some sage advice.    (back to top)

. . . . . submitted by Wendy

If there is Hell on earth, it's at Penn Station at 8:30 AM, when every extra borough fool needs their sugar and caffeine fix, yet they can't seem to muster up any appreciation to go with their $1.35 and groggy sneer. I quietly scald my hands putting the donut holes in deep fry, while trying to ignore the impatient stares. I guess the commuters in numbers are more predictable than the freaks who wander in after rush hour, trying to amuse me with their sad stories of subway struggle, shaking their prosthetic limbs in my face, hoping to elicit some sympathy to go with their day-old cruller and bitter coffee.    (back to top)

Esmeralda submitted by Trismegista

She creeps on the empty pilings of her thoughts like they were hidden secrets waiting to trip her up and make her fall into the sea. Her memory is mostly scattered with a slight chance of recall. Plum trees and skunks make her vividly recall her childhood, but the smell of Polaroid camera developer only creates a warm fuzzy memory of the night before.

She is much like a sponge, soaking up the thoughts of everyone around her. Strangers? faces glow when they walk past her and sometimes bolts of energy fly out of their foreheads? and slice at her insides, cutting large gashes that take days to heal. The only thing that protects her from such experiences, besides root beer floats and Al Green records, is standing on vibrating railroad tracks with her bare feet. This is tricky, knowing that the oncoming train is the cause of the vibrations, but she hasn?t been crushed yet.

Sometimes the animals will converse with her… mostly the birds. She asks them important questions, but only the crows give her answers, in the form of complicated riddles. Their riddles keep her puzzled as she gardens her allotted freak plot, as she is also a farmer of sorts, having been handed down this bit of thought-land from her odd but gentle hermit-parents. Her family tree has grown on this plot for centuries and when she digs into the warm earth, she can feel her ancestors whispering stories to her. Sometimes they scold her for being alone all the time. When this happens, she sits on the big mushroom in her garden and waits for the Mollusk to come and take her space traveling. He shows her familiar things and sometimes, when he's in a good mood, he lets her fly.    (back to top)

Jorge submitted by Seri

Jorge is one of those executive-type cowboys that wears their ten-gallon Stetson even inside the Buick. You know the type. You've probably even seen Jorge represented in the mass media and popular culture wars, but you didn't know it was Jorge.

Jorge has been living his adult life as an executive cowboy equal to J.R. Ewing, but underneath it all, Jorge is Juana St. James, the once-famous teen porn queen from Tupelo, whose reruns can still be viewed from time to time on local cable stations, particularly those serving the Jersey Shore. Some nights, the draw of Juana is too much to resist and Jorge must abandon the Stetson for a lycra mini-dress and white pumps. Needless to say, Jorge remembers none of the previous night's escapades when he clocks in at the El Paso Breuners the next morning. Of course, the El Paso Breuners is the only place in Western Tejas to find a waterbed, a whippet-modeled lamp, or a wagon-wheel chandelier.    (back to top)

Sir Softalot submitted by Jeff

Sir Softalot, the crime-fighting fabric softener sheet, bounds from dryer to dryer, sniffing out clues in dirty laundry. Working with a special office of the police department, our hero tumbles from one crime scene to another, ever in search of his arch nemesis, "Skid" Marx.

I'm still figuring out how he was created. Maybe, like Spiderman, he was doing some sort of forbidden lab research for Tide when a tragic accident occurred to transform him into a superhero.    (back to top)

Madison submitted by Johanna

Madison is a large, puffy baby of ambiguous gender who knows more than anyone about the Arts and Sciences. Although the child cannot yet speak adult language, its thoughts are expressed in the form of pleasant gurgles, burps and facial contortions. Oftentimes, those keeping company with Madison experience visceral and biological responses to his/her thoughts. Because of this, adults cherish the baby's company and often indulge in long-winded, lopsided conversations in his/her presence. The child's birth name is often replaced with myriad nicknames. Common are: "Poopsie-Poopsie", "Baby Grand", "Doc", "Lil" "Clever Hamster", and "Sugar Head".

For the purpose of our studies, Madison's parents are adaptable, adopted, or simply not present. All we know of them is that Madison was conceived during the brighter point of a highly experimental pharmaceutical binge.    (back to top)

Randy Cheetah submitted by Jason

Randy Cheetah is a man of the 70's. He is known as both a master of creating smoky keyboard atmospheres and an expert at incorporating feathers into any fashion ensemble. Thus, Randy is a party favorite. Yet, because of Randy's keyboard talent, many people have tried to nickname him "Smokey". The name "Smokey" Cheetah seemed very ridiculous to Randy, so he resisted it. Even today, he is sensitive about it. But Randy is most notorious for his gifts in the practice of astral projection. In the astral realm, Randy is privy to much "special" information, which aids him in his quest to be a cool guy.    (back to top)