|Dr. Neon Propho's All New Astrological Signs|
3/17-4/20: The Telephone
You are a great communicator, much like our former astrological president, Ronald Reagan. You win hearts and minds easily and this year you will not only stop preaching to the choir, but you will also expose many of the lies you have told yourself.
4/21-7/3: The Yuppie
As one of the "cash" signs, along with the Television and the Christmas Tree, your fortune this year will be one of renewal. Like a weed growing in the cracks of a sidewalk, the force of your will cannot be stopped; you will push forward with tremendous gusto, claiming what you feel is rightfully yours. Hint: a politician plays an important role.
7/4: The American Flag
Though your visage will be everywhere, there won't be much of the real you. We all know that only people born on the fourth of July can be a real Yankee Doodle. This makes you a minority, and as such, you'll be completely overlooked. After all, this is America. Let's roll.
7/5-9/10: The Automobile
Your year looks good, but watch out! You might think you're a nifty hybrid, when in fact all your friends know that deep down you're an SUV. Give up the MTBE and get into ethanol. But don't worry, with that new natural gas pipeline being built in Afghanistan, you'll be a hybrid in no time!
9/11: The Television
You will have the misfortune to be a part of a media-driven festival of nationalist feeling, wherein the most creative minds in America will attempt to not only speak to the unspeakable, but get the American Consumer to buy a gallon of gas as a demonstration of solidarity and freedom.
9/12-11/27: The Politician
This is an election year, albeit a gubernatorial one, so get ready for a wild ride, all you children of Native American summer! Your love life has taken a hit in the post-Lewinsky era, however, and I'm afraid to say that this year won't be much better. Watch for communication from a rich benefactor, but beware of wagging your tongue. One word: shredder.
11/28-12/24: The Xmas Tree
Consumer confidence returns, and the shoppers will be out in force! Put your money in the right place and watch it grow. Best bet is to go with the familiar faves: denial and destruction driven by dollars. Your relationship outlook improves with people under the sign of the Television.
12/25: The Terrorist
People with the misfortune to be born on this date will be fighting an uphill battle this year. Remember: if you go around talking about loving your neighbor or forgiving your enemies, you're liable to be labeled a liar and a traitor. All revolutionaries will continue to be terrorists and democrats will be lumped in with the Axis of Evil. Keep wearing that American Flag lapel pin, and no one will know what you really do behind closed doors!
12/26-2/13: The Drugs
Stay high this year, and you'll have a better chance of keeping your cookies while everyone else is waving the Little Red (and white and blue) Book.
2/14-3/16: The Porn Star
Youčre everywhere these days and you're not slowing down now that you've gotten really hot. In fact, the word on everyone's lips won't be terrorism, but rather porn, porn, PORN! If you try to deny it, you'll only be suspected of being a pervert deep down. Keep surfin' that information superhighway! Don't worry, you're sure to find what pushes your buttons...
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