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From the Print Version Editor's Intro All the Dogs (A Jump Rope Rhyme for Kids) by Ada Limon Nuthin' Sirius (a collection of conspiracy theories from the people of California) by Phil Ramirez Oasis (by Elton Cunniffe) American Reform (a memoir by Karl Soehnlein) Chemi Ali (a poem by Alec Way) Five Political Facts and Associations (by Alex Robertson Textor)	Nuthin' Sirius (a collection of conspiracy theories from the people of California) by Fly Molo Ramirez "You know what they put in the water, don't you? Flouride--on the pretext that it strengthens your teeth. That's ridiculous! You know what that stuff does to you? It actually weakens your will and takes away the capacity for free and creative thought. And it makes you a slave to the state." - Mel Gibson, Conspiracy Theory (2002) Conspiracy is defined in the Webster's Dictionary as "A secret agreement among conspirators." The verb Conspire means "to join in a secret agreement to do an unlawful or wrongful act or an act which becomes unlawful as a result of the secret agreement." Hmmm.... Conspiracy theories range from ludicrous to lugubrious, from frightening to funny, and from probable to impossible. On the happy end of the spectrum, we find Rob Brezney, Bay Area Astrologer, who tells us, "Life is actually conspiring to shower you with blessings." And on the grody end of the gamut we watch in horror as Homer Simpson discovers that Flu shots are secretly mind-control drugs that the government uses to make us go shopping more often, to perpetuate the capitalist economy. ("So that's why they come before the holidays." -H.S.) In any case, conspiracies are distinct from urban legends (eg: Spiders in Hawaii can lay eggs under your skin and the little spider babies come out weeks later,) mysteries (eg: The disappearance of 200 boats and planes/year in the Bermuda Triangle,) or scandalous gossip (eg: "I heard that Jaime Lee Curtis is a Hermaphrodite -I'd sure like to get a look at her bits and pieces," Melody Kirk, receptionist/humorous erotica writer.) Conspiracy theories imply secret entities are striving to control us, what we think and what we do. It packs more paranoia per punch than urban legends and gossip combined.  But is this realistic, or practical to dwell upon and worry about? No. But lately I've been thinking... Recently, San Francisco has hosted the most violent peace protests in history. During the first week of the "Iraqi Freedom" war, police arrested over 2,000 people in San Francisco alone, from the daily marches and traffic blocking demonstrations. We are bombarded with images of police brutality and aggressive protesters fighting with peace signs. Could this be part of a subversive secret plan to install Martial Law where Big Brother Bush will be able to watch our every move? My mother would sharply say, "I don't know! And I don't care!" But I do care! At the risk of fueling the fires of fear, I'm compelled to uncover old and new conspiracy theories that may have been neglected lately, and that need some love and attention, just like you and me. So, what's your favorite conspiracy theory? I asked dozens of people throughout California about their most cherished paranoid conspiracy schemes. Here's what I got: "The Illuminati! You know, a secret society that runs the world and manipulates our reality to control us while keeping ancient magic secrets to themselves. Their symbol is the eye in the triangle, like on the back of every dollar bill. The Illuminati back up terrorist incidents in order to have Americans begging for surveillance. That's how they'll tyrannize the world." Brian Weaver, Cubby Creature, astronaut, secret agent. "Aliens are raising us like cattle for our blood and lymphoid glands, the government knows all about them and are helping them organize us (SS#'s, DL#'s, etc...) , and they don't come from outer space these days - they've been spying on us for the last twenty three thousand years from a deep underwater canyon off the coast of Japan." Colonel George Bravo, US Airforce. "Chupacabra." Ana Gabrielle, Waitress/Poet. "JFK getting assassinated, I guess. I watched it on DVD and he got shot twice from two different directions. You can slow it down and see that his head went forward and the bullet flew out of his forehead and then his head snapped back and the bullet flew out the back. I saw it on DVD, so it must be true. Anyways, that means you can't trust the government because they covered it all up." Tony Huerta, bartender. "You know why everybody loses one sock? There's either an elf in the laundry machines that steals them to make clothes for his family, or a monster under the bed that eats them, or a group of perverted men who go to the laundry mats and steal just one sock to warm their cocks. Like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. They are those men." Rosa Rojas, dancer, musician, and belly person. "Bush is outlawing abortions and birth control in order to raise an army." Heather O"Hara, art student, pirate chick, and bondage fairy. "FDR knew that the Japanese were going to bomb Pearl Harbor but didn't do anything to stop it so that the USA would have a good excuse to join WWII. I've heard tapes of his phone conversations before that and he knew. On another note, I also heard that Pepto-Bismol and Calamine lotion are the same thing." Greg Reed, night school Social Studies teacher and wine connoisseur. "The Iran-contra scandal with Oli North, Reagan and Bush. Why did everybody forget about that? The government is perpetuating the capitalism machine by importing drugs into the country and using the money to supply the middle east with weapons, demonize them later and start another war. Wars are planned--for economic reasons, not human rights reasons." Bill Espinoza, tennis instructor/enigmatic house guest. "The ears of Coby and Shak. Where do they come from? I think certain Laker players have the same pixie ears because they're breeding them on some sort of farm in order to win championships." Katherine Ramirez, marathon runner and triathlete. "Radio and television stations are owned by the same company in order to censor information and perpetuate one propaganda." GJ Reiny, visionary conductor for Acompany Co. and beer drinker. "Beer companies like Budweiser are funding the war against drugs because illicit drugs like weed (buds) are the biggest competitors." Kyra Brown, rock star/belt buckle designer, friend of Carla. "The Bush family and various royal families are actually lizard aliens trying to control the world. They also fight the good, magical grey aliens." Carla Healy/London, documentary film maker, friend of Kyra. "The grey aliens were actually humans that we sent throughout the galaxy way back in the day. They colonized the galaxy of the dog star Sirius whose star we can see in the southern part of the sky at night. Now they have returned but their bodies are different than ours, mutated through the strange pressures and radiation involved with intergalactic travel. And since we haven't evolved as a species they're just hanging out watching us and trying to protect us from the Lizard aliens who happen to be in charge of money and most governments in the world." Anon E. Moss, theorist, satellite technician. "I don't think people landed on the moon. It was a conspiracy to make the American people feel good after the disaster of the Vietnam war and feel like victors of the cold war with Russia. They were just actors." Jill Ruyle/Arias, commercial real estate agent. "AIDS was designed by the government to get rid of marginalized groups of people." Danielle Fillmore, florist, criminal mastermind and one heck of a nice girl. "They are firing teachers during a teacher shortage because it's easier for the government to control a country of stupid people." Tina Crotwell, Volunteer Coordinator for BGP, travel agent, star maker and hat blocker. "Anton LaVey, founder of the Church of Satan, is not actually dead but serving as the ring leader of various revolutionary cults and was connected with the Jim Jones thing and the Patty Hearst thing last century. He also runs the Church of Scientology with his pal L. Ron Hubbard." Laird Fitzpatrick Waterman Archer, DJ and music producer. "The government is spraying us with Happy Chemicals from the jets of airplanes so that we don't question authority." Leef Smith, explorer and tippling gadabout. Well, there you have it. Beware of aliens, corrupt governments, and sock monsters and things should be alright. Don't worry about being a helpless pawn in someone else's grand master plan to rule the universe. Remember that resistance is not futile. As the esteemed Reverend Trismegista tells us, "Don't give up. You are POWERFUL." Fly Molo Ramirez is a new writer in San Francisco who recently quit his previous job as a matador in Spain after finding out his astrological sign was Taurus. He hopes one day to be an intergalactic pilot who saves planet earth from evil insectoid aliens.	Online Only  Old Wine, New Bottles (by Doug Welch) Roused in thee Armchair (by Ben Tinker) Smartest Girl in San Francisco Black Habiru Musings (by Alec Way)
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